Today’s score – 25%

I hadn’t prepared myself for the tiredness that would follow the counselling session. Digging into sediment long buried is a weighty thing to get to, and then trying to hold on to the dust cloud once it has been encouraged to reach for freedom, can feel impossible. But learning that I can’t contain that dust cloud is key. I must let it float out, cover, taint and ultimately clean it up, hopefully once and for all even if it leaves a mark.

My physical training suffered here. The day after counselling, I was trying to lift weights I had lifted before, but I couldn’t make the quantity of lifts. They’d wobble precariously at the last few lifts of each set. Being kind to ourselves doesn’t always mean eating a second ice cream (although this also works for me) but here, being kind to myself meant not stopping. Recognising that I didn’t feel as strong as the last time, recognising that I had a reason for it to be so, and not feeling I’d failed. Not being angry at myself for failing.

You’ll see my score has gone up. Scores are so useful because I don’t feel I’ve gone up in my head. I feel grim. I feel flat. I feel hollow. And the score shows me that the stuff I’m making myself do is having an effect. I’m talking to somebody, I’m doing a little bit of training, I’m scoring and annotating, I’m writing, I’m connecting with humans, I’m busy and I’m sleeping because of all of that. I want to curl into a ball and hibernate. The scores are showing me that not doing that is helping.

Lastly, for anybody who didn’t see it, one of us commented last week that they had recently chosen to get some (private) counselling after being on a never-ending waiting list. It made me so very happy to read of that action. I’m happy that that person took courage to step out for themselves, and I’m happy that I have that as encouragement. Onwards.

Love from 

The room above the garage

A Moodscope member