Dad has just passed.
My response?
To write.

I’ve learned so much over the last grim weeks. A major lesson has been to realise how I (and probably ‘we’) are capable of projecting emotions on others who are not the original source of the problem. Let me try and explain what I’m seeking to say...

Last week, while still not knowing what to expect of the carers, I waited for two hours after the expected time (inaccurately expected, it transpired!) for one to arrive. I was having challenges with moving and cleaning Dad and so wanted help. Other support people were quiet too, and it was one of the longest, loneliest two hours of my life. I was feeling really angry, and was ready to snap at the first available victim! However, we’ve been on Moodscope long enough to realise that the presenting symptom is not necessarily the real issue. The real issue was that I was afraid and feeling incompetent and therefore vulnerable. This masqueraded as anger.

This awareness was good news and the anger vanished almost instantly. I’ve seen so many signs recently where there is a public interface like railways and hospitals, warning that bad treatment of service givers will not be tolerated. I wonder how much of this abuse spills over from earlier issues that have nothing to do with the poor folks that get it in the proverbial neck.

Hence the title of this blog, “Whose is this?” In my case, it was, “Whose anger is this?” It has nothing to do with the care-providers. It was my anger – my fears masquerading. Any expression of anger would have been misplaced. I now know that when I’m irritated, this is primarily because I am irritable – literally able to be irritated! It’s me. Yes, there are total idiots out there – but not as many as we may think.

Shifting to ‘love’ – I know I’ve always been in love with ‘Love’. If someone comes along that fits the pattern I ‘fall’ head over heels in love. But who can come up to such unrealistic standards? So, “Whose love is this?” is helpful too.  “Whose anger is this?” “Whose irritation is this?” All these seem liberating to me… and to the other people I would otherwise project my feelings onto!

I do hope this is a helpful insight to share. We have so much more ‘agency’ (the posh word for it) than we give ourselves credit for. Sadness can be masked by fear and criticism. Maybe it’s time to look behind the masks and be liberated by our own understanding of the deeper levels of truth. Other people’s wellbeing may be enhanced by us not having to take things out on them that have nothing to do with them.

Lex

A Moodscope member