I’m not totally sure of the answer but let me tell you how the question came about.

On a Facebook group I belong to, an 81-year-old gentleman asked why he couldn’t tell his young female carer that she was pretty. He understood that such a compliment might not be welcome, but he honestly didn’t understand why.

His post attracted many hundreds of comments. I think I read about half of them because I too was interested to see if anyone else shared my feelings. 

About 95% of comments from females explained that they would find it ‘creepy’ coming from an elderly man. Some said they would find it threatening. Some of them related stories where a pleasant response to such a compliment seemed to invite a sexual pass. It seemed that a compliment such as “You’re pretty,” was perceived as indicative of male sexual interest.

Even more fascinating were the comments from men. About half agreed with the women, but the other half thought the compliment totally acceptable and couldn’t understand why the women were making such a fuss about it.

Being pretty is something you can’t do anything about, and it often results in unwanted male attention. Acceptable compliments focus on things that reflect your personality and choices. “I love what you’ve done with your hair.” Or “Great shoes!” One comment from a male said, “I find it safest to compliment only hair and shoes and leave everything in the middle strictly alone.”

A lot of men don’t understand how women can feel threatened by male attention. They see it as something women should want. Most of the time, we just want to be respected as people, regardless of our gender and perceived attractiveness.

I sometimes get told I have a lovely smile. This can be nice. When it is accompanied by the comment, “You should smile more,” it rankles. Why should I smile more? Is it so the man giving the compliment can enjoy it more? It makes it all about him and not me, and takes away all the pleasure in his words. A couple of days ago, however, while introducing a new member of staff to me, my manager told her, “If you’re feeling down, just go to Mary. She’ll smile at you, and you can’t help but feel better!” Somehow, that was nice. I can’t tell you why it was different, but it was.

Let’s turn it around and ask how a young male carer would feel if an 81-year-old woman called him handsome? I have a feeling he would just laugh, but perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe it is threatening too. I don’t think it’s appropriate though.

I did receive a personal compliment once which made me feel all warm inside, when an obviously learning-disabled man, out with his carer, said impulsively, “Oh, you have such a lovely kind face.” It was innocent and so obviously sincere, how could I object?

What do you feel about personal compliments? Do you feel your gender has anything to do with your reaction?

Mary

A Moodscope member