I have written blogs with questioning titles: I know where I’m going (no I don’t), ‘I’m reviewing the situation (about 10 times) Where do I fit in? (still don’t know) and ‘What  am I doing here? ‘Here’ was the best option, for age and security, but it is pretty soul-destroying. Some people play cards, all day long. I have tried starting discussions with potentially twin souls, no go. It is a waiting game: for the next meal, for the physio, to hear from your family (frequently a forlorn hope) for a replacement hip, knee, and now beginning seriously, not to wait for death, but to hope for death.

I decided to take action, study programme, I went to University at 50, why not at 90? Philosophy sounded a good option, so I have been dipping my toe in the water. First, I hardly understand the terminology; I am studying in French, look up the English, same word, no further forward. In my simple mind I would draw comfort and more knowledge from the great thinkers, but they do not seem to be studying the same thing, so many branches. I also thought there was a bit of contemplating your navel (if you can still find it) perhaps that is Buddhism.

The shattering thing is that great names, Socrates, Aristotle, Pythagoras, Kant et al were noted for other disciplines, I only associate Pythagoras with geometry. Then I thought, wrong again, these great thinkers were great men in their morality, learning, great wisdom to be passed on. No way.

Machiavelli was termed a philosopher. In his major work, The Prince, his name evoked ‘Unscrupulous acts, lessons for would be tyrants on how they should seize and maintain power’. Could name a dozen at the moment who have taken that lesson to heart. Today, on Classic Radio, the famous guest was introduced as a ‘philosopher’, No, she said, I am a politologue. And, like historians, a lot of their time is spent debunking the others. Thomas Hobbes rejects one of the most famous themes of Aristotle. Hobbes words ‘Life is nasty, brutish and short’, very cheering.  Jean-Jacques Rousseau his ‘Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains’.

Jean-Paul Sartre, an icon and Nobel prize winner had his paramour, Simone de Beauvoir, procure female students from her university classes for him. They’d get locked up now. Bertrand Russell had suicidal tendencies; understanding mathematics gave him a meaning to life.

Anyway, I shall persevere. I have a PLAN. UK next week hopefully the Alps in August, Another UK in the Autumn, perhaps. Find somewhere, anywhere, however spurious, not to spend Christmas and New Year here. Already stopped silent, miserable, expensive restaurant meals. Book university courses, challenging, meet other people. Give Face Book another go, might be only way to get news of my grandchildren. Ignore the fact that they don’t like me winning their quizzes here. Do you think I should go for a PhD. Have a BA and MA. Only takes five years,  Any bright ideas out there? 

The Gardener

A Moodscope member