Last March I started the process of application to become a Licenced Lay Minister in the Church of England. It is a long process. First, you must complete a “Year of Discernment.” This is to find out if you have the right qualities to go ahead – things like trustworthiness and love of people and wisdom – and if your “calling” is a true one. You must have the backing of your vicar and the church council, and references from two other people in authority. You meet with another qualified lay minister regularly throughout the year and they make a report on you. You sit through three pretty stiff interviews – called informal chats, but we know better – and finally, on Selection Day, together with any other candidates, you do a five-minute presentation and answer questions on it.

As part of my job as an Image Consultant, I made regular presentations and don’t think I made too bad a job of it, but I have never worked so hard on five minutes of talk. Cutting that presentation down to five minutes was really tough. There was so much I wanted to say on my subject, but a strict five minutes was all I had. I practised many times, standing in my kitchen, timing myself, and declaring to the table. I practised with my husband and with friends, and finally, last Saturday, the day came.

It seemed to go well. I didn’t forget anything in the presentation, and I could answer all the questions from the three other candidates. We all came away, leaving the selection panel to assess and consider and decide if we were the right people to go forward.

And now we wait.

There will be a letter this week telling us if we have been accepted for training, and the suspense is unnerving.

There’s no reason to think I’ll be refused, but you can never tell. How many job interviews have you sat through, thinking they’ve gone really well, only to get the letter or phone call telling you that you were very good but that they’ve appointed someone else. At least, in this case, all of us can go through as long as the selection panel deemed us suitable.

How good are you at waiting? I’m not good at all. I know that Wednesday is the earliest I will hear, yet I am anxiously watching for the post every day. I’ve noticed that I am picking at my cuticles and wringing my hands at odd times. Not since I had to give up my business has something mattered so much.

I am anxious, yet this is a good sort of anxious – I think. It’s not the sort that is baseless and akin to depression. The keyed-up nature is the same – the inability to settle at anything and having to consciously take deep breaths to calm myself down. I can function perfectly well, which I couldn’t do when I suffered from the nausea-producing anxiety at the end of a mania.

But yes. I’m still anxious. And just hoping for good news.

Mary

A Moodscope member