Don’t get me wrong, I love the medication that keeps me stable. My family and friends are grateful that I no longer have such swings in energy and mood, but I do miss some of the benefits.

One of my passions is card-making. I make elaborate greetings cards – the kind that stay on the mantlepiece for months after birthdays and Christmas. Since last November, however, I have made not one. My craft table is littered with papers and oddments, and my inks and pens are drying up through lack of use. The cardstock in the cupboard has not been touched, and I’ve been watching television instead of playing with paper, ribbons and ink.

The only writing I do now is these blogs. My hero and heroine of the latest book have been abandoned on a cliff-top, staring at each other over the body of the second villain, unsure of their next step. I know what must happen now, but so far, nothing has been written to take it there. My poor characters must be getting hungry by now and the villain can’t be smelling too good!

Despite knowing that the highs worry those who love me. and knowing I am not, when in a manic episode, an altogether pleasant person to be around, I miss them. Some of those highs lasted for months and the energy I had in those times was wonderful. I would leap out of bed at 6am and keep going until after midnight. It felt as if I had champagne running through my veins instead of blood and the world could just not keep up. The creativity was amazing, and my card creations were spectacular. I could write 3,000 good words a session and the book series would come along nicely.

But then there were the depressive episodes – the other side of the coin. I don’t miss the hallucinations, the fatigue, the wobbly legs and the inability to be around people. I don’t miss the weeks of being slumped on the sofa, lacking the energy even to perform basic tasks such as laundry and cooking. I don’t miss the feeling of being trapped in a grey fog of isolation, unable to communicate with the world.

So, on balance, I love my medication. If I wasn’t on it, then I couldn’t work. No employer can keep on an employee who needs six weeks off work twice a year, who has periods of uber-energy and is impatient and tetchy with other staff members. My medication keeps me employable and I’m grateful.

Another thing I’m grateful for is the lack of physical side effects. Friends of mine who are also on medication find their hands shake and they put on weight. I know my own weight-gain is steroids and then chocolate!

I should imagine that many of you are on some kind of medication, either antidepressants or mood stabilisers. How do you find them? Are they effective? Do you love them or hate them? And how are the side effects, if any?

Mary

A Moodscope member