Today’s score - 19%

Next week I return to counselling after my counsellor had a holiday break. I’m freshly dreading it because I always seem to cry, and because the rhythm feels a little broken. But I also know I feel better each time I’ve been.  

Last time, I was having a particularly difficult spell and so the session was about coping with that, and to shore me up in advance of the break. This time, I strongly suspect we will have the first session of EMDR. 

My counsellor explained that long-past events may be providing a broken record demonstration of hurt to me. If the hurt was not dealt with at the time (it wasn’t) then it may have been crushed and stuffed away messily in a pocket-corner by the brain, instead of being processed by the brain. Processing would mean tagging and filing it away into appropriate drawers where, if it came out, it would have a place to return.

EMDR, as I understand it in my inexperience, uses a moving item (a small moving light) to travel left and right, back and forth, and questions about the problem are put forward. If I understand correctly, then going over old ground along with using the technique on the eyes and brain very similar to REM sleep, allows the memory to be stored where it should be. It should help it lose its power over me.  

Naturally I’m slightly terrified and I know this is because I’m scared of getting it wrong. I’m a chieftain of saying things are fine and great and ‘working’, when inside I’m dying. Why would this be different? But I will tell my counsellor this. I will ‘fess up to being able to cheat the system in so many ways that I worry I will say I feel something, and feel better, when I don’t. And there is also my skepticism. How does moving my eyes lift me out of my dungeon?

But, I’m in for a penny in for a pound. I want to feel better. I want to scare my ghosts out so badly that I want to turn tables and become that ghost! 

I will let you know what happens.  

Love from

Worrying in the room above the garage

A Moodscope member