I feel almost embarrassed to write this after CMM’s heart-felt and heart-rending post of yesterday, but so it goes.

I have started up with symptoms of my ulcerative colitis again. Oh, I still feel perfectly well in myself, but so I did for a couple of months last time when I began with it. Ulcerative colitis is an insidious disease, and it steadily gets worse until it is totally incapacitating and potentially life-threatening. These days, they can operate and fit a stoma bag, but obviously nobody wants that, least of all the doctors. Last time around, I was ready to consider it though; things got so bad.

My biggest fear is that I will again have to give up work. It is not so much the money, although it’s nice to have money again, and be able to contribute to the household expenses, but more than that, I enjoy my job. I like the people I work with, and I love feeling that I am contributing to people’s wellbeing in safeguarding the food they buy. Going to work each day gives me a focus and means that watching Homes Under the Hammer is no longer the highlight of my day.

I am also scared I will have to give up my training to become a Licenced Lay Minister in the Church. I need to be fit to do the amount of studying involved and to carry out more extended duties in the church services. If I’m ill I can’t do that.

The anxious and scared cards are therefore scoring high in the test right now.

But I’m not the only one to experience fear. I’m sure many of you do too and that your fears are much more serious than mine. You may fear poverty; losing your home; losing loved ones; death. Everyone reading this will have some element of fear in their lives. If not now, at least in the past and probably in the future.

How do we deal with fear? Well-meaning people say, “Don’t worry about it: worrying doesn’t make things better.” How can we help worrying though?

One of the things I have heard is good is to write down your fears and make plans to deal with the worst that can happen. What if the worst does happen? I worry about losing my husband; not only the loss and grief – because I love him very much – but the financial difficulties this will inevitably cause. By writing down a plan, even if I then destroy the evidence of that plan, I can feel better.

But what about your fears and plans? Facing and acknowledging fears doesn’t make them any less, but it does mean the amorphous worry has a focus and can be dealt with more easily.

If you feel comfortable, write your fears and plans in the comments. They say a trouble shared is a trouble halved. I’m not sure I quite agree with that, but sharing can make us feel a bit better at least.

Mary

A Moodscope member