Here I am on day 6 of Dry January. I don't really know what I was expecting. A thunderclap or a relapse but neither has happened. It literally has just been a case of absolutely no alcohol. 

I thought I would find it really hard but so far so good, even though there is wine and prosecco in the house I haven't touched a drop. I want to control it, rather than it control me so as much as anything, it is an experiment. I wrote down a list of the advantages which came up as (in no particular order) - no contra-indication of medication (I have reduced my Citalopram from 30 to 20 mg), a clearer head, more money, lose weight, lower risk of dementia, more trust in myself, better mood.  These are what I thought I would gain. I will fully admit I got into bad habits and the festive season with all its events did not help. 

I didn't tell my husband for a while as I thought he would poo poo it and other friends who know me for liking a drink. The opposite was true. He has been fully supportive as he also drinks very little. I'm not imagining for one minute I will be teetotal, much respect to those who are, but it's not for me. However, it's part of my new self care routine. I come from a family of alcoholics and it was incredibly painful to lose my mum at 58, my uncle not long after and her father who succumbed to alzheimer's (who was also an alcoholic). I saw the changes in my mum long before I suspect she did and she was ill for a period of 10 years. The most agonising thing I personally have had to go through, but she couldn't have gone on and I totally accept that. 

My job as a celebrant gives me lots of food for thought about what others go through in a bereavement and in their lives and it gives you a wider perspective and more compassion I feel. I lost my mum a long time ago and I didn't want to lose myself. I guess it was my crutch. It was my livener up (I can be extrovert but I'm an ambivert meaning I swing both ways to going to introvert) and with that back story and family history, I knew I had to be careful. It forces you though to look at yourself clearly which is something I have not found easy. Things that I would find really irritating or exhausting made me reach for the bottle usually around dinner time.

Last night I made a lassi, an iced yogurt drink, absolutely delicious, so I am trying to get more creative with non alcoholic options. Also planning to make a "ginger bug" soon to make non alcoholic ginger beer, which I love, and ironically, before all the stuff started with my mum, we used to make together. Her sherry trifles were always terribly boozy which I loved, and I was started off early trying creme de menthe at 6 on holiday and nicking my dad's whisky.  

Anyway, for anyone else in the same boat, believe in yourself. I have a mood diary which I can choose what "mood" I am in, and for most of the last few months of last year, it said "scattered" or similar. It now says focused. I'm mindful that my next birthday is 61 and I want to last. I want to be proud of myself and I am. Along with this, and becoming an internet techy and fixing a computer problem all on my own without cost or help, I see these as small wins. Wherever you are, know that you can have these small wins by yourself. You are not alone. You are brave. And if I can do it, you most certainly can.

Liz

A Moodscope member