I have been away from home for a month ever since getting the call that my 81 year old mother fell and broke almost all her ribs. I dropped everything and flew 3,000 miles to be with her. Two hospitals, a five hour surgery, ICU, a precarious six hour flight with her, a rehab facility and finally she’s back home. And I’m back home.

During my time with her I was on call 24/7. I *was* fine, shuttling between hospitals and visiting care facilities and answering calls from her, the doctors, her friends and family, day and night. I made 2/3 trips a day to the hospital, bringing her food, her iPad and phone, face stuff, hearing aids, anything she requested as she slowly healed. She was on major pain medication, so I listened to her ramble through stories as if I were a stranger and not her daughter who lived through most of them.

I don’t regret the time spent helping her; I would do it again immediately. There was no one else who was able to dedicate the time. I wanted to help and I am relieved she’s home and on the mend.

But the after. Wow. When I got home my body shut down and my brain went to some dark places. Growing up she was mean, abusive, vindictive, spiteful. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and let most of it go and we do have a decent relationship now. So I was surprised when I collapsed and shut down for almost a week. Blinds drawn, lights off, the only one allowed in the room was the dog. I felt so weird and guilty. I felt like my spirit had been called away and I was left raw. 

I realized after day two that she was still taking, that she still disregarded boundaries, that she retold stories that only put her in a good light. That was fine, right? It’s not like after all this time I really cared. But deep down I guess it still hurts. I needed to recharge and as I looked around my lovely room in the dim light that crept through the blinds I thought, this is my decompression chamber. I need this time to recalibrate before I return to the surface. After a few more days I was feeling better.

And I’m back. Back to reading Moodscope and taking care of myself and I am so glad that I took the time to recharge. It is so strange, isn't it, that we think nothing of helping others but ignore our own very basic needs?

Lexi

A Moodscope member