It’s Wednesday morning, I should be at a meeting, flunked it. Joined the huge list of my ‘Sins of Omission’ which has got out of hand. My super doctor came in yesterday evening,  just for a routine prescription, I take very little medication, lucky, eh? He took my blood pressure, high, not scary high. but I have never been above 13/7 in my life. Instant medication. I am scared, why? Two people I know, high blood pressure all their lives, always changing medication, always having side effects, my b-in-law swollen ankles, which I dread, my mother’s were so bad she was hospitalised to reduce them. More important, was what I think caused it, and the stupid mind-set which has taken over.

My absence from the meeting is the focus. I have become scared of anything new. Here, our life is ‘autonomous’. OK, but we are old, sometimes we do not understand. In their brochure of 2017 (pre Covid) they said help was available, technology in particular. Some staff are helpful, but are seldom more proficient than I am. Doing anything out of the Residence demands transport, I can’t cope with public transport, do not have a ‘tame’ taxi. Two spectacular failures (one due to France having one of its ‘Days of Maximum Disturbace’, the other sheer inefficiency of the organisation) left me ‘bouche bee’ (dumbstruck). A son came for an overnight stay: Eureka! Uber. He took me through it, I got an account. Then we were going out to dinner, time for a trial run. But it was rush hour, and I still needed one more security number to open my account. We used his. Today was to have been my first ‘solo’. I started panicking early Monday. I am not good with phones, would I manage? Get help from Reception? But girl on duty a supercilious character, if we don’t understand we are stupid and a nuisance. So, having been told about high blood pressure last night, I decided it would shoot through the roof this morning, so I am writing about it instead.

The sins of omission? I have a routine, each time I fail I self-castigate. MUST swim, like it, easy. But the building is not heated. I ached, sore throat, went nevertheless. Got back to my room shivering, wrapped in huge blanket. Anything cerebral I am fine with. But I have taken to clock watching, start panicking 15 minutes before class, only downstairs. Might be a long wait for lift, forgotten stairs exist, other lifts a short walk. I have won the battle about preparing for major journeys, have enough clothes to put ‘best’ straight in case. Being in a flat none of that business of checking plugs pulled out, lights turned off, fridge empty, rubbish out. I need to find ‘peace of mind’ ‘tant pis’ (no worries if I don’t swim this evening, pool be there tomorrow). It is my doppelganger ‘Miss Ought’ who needs shutting up. And you? Guilty as charged? 

The Gardener

A Moodscope member