Greyness surrounds, the outlook bleak,

No hope, no joy.

Unreasoning, unreasoned hopelessness,

No future, no past,

The present a world without form,

Nor colour, nor light nor laughter,

Can penetrate your unreceptive mind.

Amorphous, no will to live or die,

No will, no wish,

The pain in other people’s eyes;

They cannot understand.

Yesterday, just yesterday

You cared, for you, for them, nothing has changed

But you.

To you, even the trees have changed;

Twigs, branches, wind=blown leaves

Are one, are blurred,

Joined in the grey unending gloom

Of life,

Where light is now denied,

The light of life, the spirit, the desire

To live.

Living no longer, you exist, meaning has flown,

Oh Lord! Come back,

Desert me not, you cannot leave me here

Enmeshed in darkling thoughts, a lonely fear,

Alone.

No one can enter in that sullen mind

Closed to all help, no giving out, no taking in,

Weighed down,

With nothing, for from nothing did this evil thing arise,

There’s nothing to fight, nothing to see, nothing to feel,

Nothing,

Today the sun shone.

This was written 45 years ago, half way through my life. It was a chapter heading to a book I had written on Manic Depression. It was pretty turgid stuff, a small part was published in Psychology magazine. I think I used it in one of my very first Moodscope blogs. In the 1970’s drugs were not ‘in their infancy’, certainly anti-depressants existed, and my memory of the stuff they used to control my mania was of terrible side effects. Then there was the film ‘One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest’, Ouch.

I do not have time for deep research, but I believe ‘labelling’ is relatively modern.. We had manic-depression, not bi-polar. Did Aspergers, Autism, ADHD, PTSD exist but just another symptom of mental health problems? Even just signs of a troublesome character? There were famous cases, Spike Milligan, a genius, fetched up in hospital from time to time. Tony Hancock, a comic genius, who committed suicide. Many famous people are now ‘coming out’, politicians, television celebrities who admit to mental health problems. Mary Wednesday wrote a blog on how drugs to control her mania destroyed her creativity. So how do Monty Don, depression, and Chris Packham, Aspergers, continue in what are stressful situations, showing great enthusiasm, do they have some treatment which allows them to perform?

Many regular people on Moodscope have been here as long or longer than I have, since 2013 I think. Many say they are sustained by the new spectrum of drugs, some have counselling. Are those suffering profound depression (Room above the Garage has been documenting her reaching a low ebb scared of counselling, though she went for it). Does she, and others in a bad place, have thoughts like the poem? People have been talking about ‘glimmers’ of hope. I have lovely sunshine this morning, went for a walk, but Covid still has me in its grips, and I am struggling to do anything but go back to bed. So, where are you in the spectrum? 

The Gardener

A Moodscope member