I have left my family at the coast where they will be sailing all week in the annual regatta. There is sailing and sunbathing by day and a party every night – or so it seems. I am envious – not of the sailing, nor of the partying, but of the sunshine and sea and the general buzz of people in the houses all along the sea wall. A lot of friends are down there and I am missing out. I can’t be with them because I have to work. In fact, I’m working extra shifts this week because one of my colleagues is also on holiday.

There are, however, compensations. I don’t need to get up so early to make my husband his breakfast before he leaves at 7am for work. I can eat what I want. Liver and onions is my absolute favourite dish, but I can never have it while the family is here as even the smell makes them feel sick. I can go to bed whenever I like – so long as it’s not before 9pm when I leave work; they tend to frown at sleeping on the supermarket shelves!

And – that’s the end of the compensations. I think of everyone who lives alone. I know some people like it, but I imagine most of us prefer having someone to share our lives with. I feel for those who have been widowed or who are otherwise, not by choice, alone. One of our members here wrote a beautiful and very sad piece about losing her partner of many years and it almost reduced me to tears.

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I wrote that last week and the reality was worse than I thought. I missed my family so much. I didn’t work the extra shifts and the day I don’t work – Wednesday – was simply horrible. I ended up eating a family sized bar of chocolate and a sharing packet of crisps for dinner – and then feeling slightly ill. I should have made the liver and onions as I’d planned.

I did try to cheer myself up. I went out and bought new planters to go by the front door. I read the whole of a book a friend of mine has written – and very good it was too. I started a new bar of scented soap. My mother came to visit, and I visited her. I saw my best friend and we walked her dog together.

Nevertheless, I was lonely.

Loneliness is very different from solitude. I think solitude is something we all need from time to time. Solitude enables us to rediscover who we are; it gives us time to contemplate and order our thoughts and opinions. Time alone to think things through is a great gift. What about any personal problems we may have? We need solitude to mull these over and create plans to deal with them. Of course, having someone with whom to talk things through is invaluable. 

Which brings me back to loneliness.

On Sunday, my family returned, and I was so happy. I have a new appreciation of how much I love them.

And, fortunately, they had missed me too.

Mary

A Moodscope member